It’s funny how reading a review can have you either vigorously nodding your head or reaching for the pitchforks. At least for me, anyway. Maybe I need to work on regulating my emotions? Nah, I’m fine – I just have lively opinions! And of course I’m right. All the time. Definitely!
Recently, I read a review of Fantastic Four: First Steps. I found the film deeply underwhelming and I was confused that so many people were coming out of the cinema saying “Superhero movies are soooooooo back!!” So it was vindicating to read a review that so closely reflected my own feelings about the movie: boring, predictable, and ultimately empty. Yes! Finally someone said what I was thinking! I wanted to like this movie but it just didn’t hit. This reviewer makes some great points and lays out why various parts of the film didn’t work and is just really onto it. A smart guy. A correct man. But hold on… why does he keep bringing up Superman? And comparing the two films as if they’re both bad for the same reasons?
So I clicked on the same writer’s review of Superman, I guess because I felt like being angry for no reason (also because he literally linked it in the Fantastic Four review and I am nosy). The reaction that followed was entirely predictable and I walked knowingly and willingly into it:
What the hell? Superman rocked! But this guy seemed to like it less than Fantastic Four?? Well that’s just incorrect, clearly he didn’t understand any of the characters or get what James Gunn was doing and he said the humour didn’t work so maybe he’s just a big grump who doesn’t experience joy. Also he misspelled “Snyderverse” as “Synderverse” – twice – so he probably has no idea what he’s even talking about!”
As if I know anything about the Snyderverse. But obviously this guy has bad opinions, except he was right about Fantastic Four, but other than that one time he’s totally wrong and I never want to hear from him again. Hmph!
Who’d have thought two people would have similar opinions on one movie and completely opposing views on another? It’s literally never happened before in the entirety of film history! I joke, but this whole thing got me thinking (after my all-consuming rage died down) about reviews and what they’re actually for. The positive reviews will be picked apart for good quotes the marketing team can use, while the negative ones will probably serve as both validation for the haters and ragebait for the die-hard fans. But beyond that, what purpose does a review have? How many people are actually reading these and wondering “hmmm, should I see this movie? Perhaps not, because *Random Person Whose Job it is to Watch Everything* said the humour doesn’t land and the romantic leads have no chemistry.”
Maybe I’m a freak, but I almost never read reviews for a movie before I watch the thing! I’ll have a look at Letterboxd afterwards to check out the silly jokes and see what the general consensus is (also to see who to align myself with and who I need to block immediately), but it’s very rare that I would seek out “real” reviews published on media sites by “legitimate” film critics. Because that’s where my true beef lies: with the movie review formula. It goes something like this:
- Reviewer introduces the movie, talks about the hype and marketing ploys if it’s a blockbuster.
- Reviewer mentions other similar movies that came out recently, prequels if it’s a reboot or part of a franchise, or maybe other films that were clear inspiration for this one.
- Reviewer gives a mini review of the director’s previous work as well as any big actors in the film (and their previous work too). This convinces you, the reader, that reviewer has done the research and can act as an authority on this topic because they Know Their Stuff.
- Reviewer proceeds to analyse the movie through a chosen lens, lists a bunch of stuff that has to be vague so it’s spoiler-free, and presents an argument for why said movie is either good or bad.
- Reviewer has some kind of stance, probably gives the movie a star-rating out of five, and ultimately recommends you either head straight to the cinema or sit this one out.
It’s kind of like a university essay but without all the citations and academic jargon. And no hate to the film critics who do this stuff for a living, but I think the formula often creates a review that feels kinda… devoid of emotion. What’s the point of that? You’re not going to convince me to see (or not to see) a movie if it seems like you had no attachment or reaction to it, positive or negative! I have always always wondered why we’re still presenting opinion as objective fact. Why are we pretending that watching movies isn’t a deeply subjective experience????
I am never going to be interested in a review that says “don’t see this movie because I didn’t like it and therefore it’s bad.” Huh??? Unless you happen to be my clone who was raised to have the exact same experiences, thoughts and feelings as me, your review is kind of pointless. It’s actually an objective fact that interpreting art is not a universal experience and everyone is going to judge it differently. Sure, there are crowd-pleasers, and critically-acclaimed films, and Oscar-winning screenplays, and there are movies that are pretty widely recognised as the worst of all time. But guess what? I bet there’s one person out there in the world who actually enjoyed Madame Web!
It’s hard not to get riled up about reviews because at the end of the day, we all like to think we have impeccable taste. So when someone expresses a different opinion it can feel like a personal attack. Oh, you didn’t like my favourite movie ever because you think it’s too long?? Well how very DARE you!!! I’m no stranger to this, believe me; my favourite film ever is Baz Luhrmann’s Australia (2008), widely recognised as his biggest flop 🥲 But I’m slowly starting to accept that “impeccable taste” doesn’t really exist. Maybe we’re all complex beings who like a range of media; maybe we all have kinda shitty taste, and that’s actually really beautiful when you think about it!
So let’s stop pretending to be snobs and own our shitty taste with pride! Let’s all agree that the star-rating system is and always has been subjective – which is why you’ll see the likes of She’s The Man rated higher than Lady Bird on my Letterboxd. *Objectively* that sounds insane (and I will argue that there’s only half a star in it). But guess what?? It is impossible to have an objective reaction to a piece of art because that was never what art was created for!!! Also She’s The Man absolutely RIPS – I think Shakespeare would be proud.
There’s this guy on the radio station my parents listen to who has been reviewing films every Sunday afternoon for as long as I can remember. And I swear, this guy has never experienced joy – if I didn’t speak English, I would think just from the tone of his voice that he was in abject misery at the cinema. Even when he’s saying positive things I have to listen really carefully to make sure he’s not being deeply sarcastic! I feel so bad for this guy because I get the feeling he’s jaded from so many years watching every movie ever, to the point where it’s all just slop to him. And I get it – there are some real shitters out there – but I am begging you to inject some emotion into your voice. If you hated a movie, tell me!! Express it! Stop acting like you’re above all that with your passionless, monotonous rambling because that is a million times more frustrating.
I genuinely think it would be so cool if we could collectively own our cringe and just love the crappy movies we love. Be unapologetic haters and make it unapologetically personal because that actually makes more sense to me! I contain multitudes! I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, as they say! I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, so take me as I am! And please don’t make me watch Love, Actually at Christmas, because I freaking HATE that movie (but that’s another story).
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stella reads and writes 